“I Wanted To Die.”
“I Wanted to Die.”
Those are words no one expects to say—but they’re tragically common in our world today.
This is the raw and redemptive story of Whitney, one of our own team members at the Transformation Center. Through unimaginable loss, betrayal, and deep pain, she found herself in the darkest place she’d ever been. But what followed wasn’t the end of her story—it was the beginning of breakthrough.
If you've ever battled hopelessness, questioned your worth, or wondered if healing is possible, this testimony is for you. Whitney's story is a powerful reminder that even when everything falls apart, God never lets go.
“Hi, my name is Whitney, and I wanted to die.
I married my best friend, full of hope and expectation for the future. But not long into our marriage, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair the entire time.
It was devastating.
After two years, we filed for divorce. It was a life event I never imagined would become part of my story. Divorce wasn’t supposed to happen to me.
As if that loss weren’t enough,
Just two weeks before my divorce was finalized, I was let go from the church I had served at for nearly 10 years, as a secretary and worship leader. The people I had walked with through so many seasons told me I was no longer a good fit.
Losing my marriage and my job at the same time was more than overwhelming; it broke me. I didn’t understand why I was still alive. The rejection, abandonment, hurt, and deep sense of worthlessness resurfaced an old enemy: suicidal ideation. That darkness came back bigger, louder, and more terrifying than ever.
I honestly don’t know how I survived that season.
Then, two months later, I got into a car accident. A serious one. I should have died.
But I didn’t.
That moment—surviving the accident—was a turning point. It was like God was whispering, You’re supposed to live, and I have a purpose for you. That realization pierced through the fog, and from then on, I decided to follow whatever God asked me to do.
I started hearing His voice again. Through the tears, I heard Him tell me to move to Redding, go to Bethel, and eventually enroll in BSSM. It was terrifying—but I said yes.
Exactly one year after I had been let go from my church, I was hired at the Bethel Transformation Center as a receptionist. I didn’t really know what Sozos or counseling sessions at the Transformation Center were, but I was about to find out quickly.
I began plugging into sessions myself—both Sozo and counseling—and I started experiencing the breakthrough I had been hoping and praying for my whole life.
I’d received counseling from the world before, and it had helped me to some extent. But what I encountered through the Transformation Center was different. I found hope. I found freedom. I encountered the Spirit of God healing places in me I didn’t even know were broken. New rivers began to flow through the wastelands of my soul.
Today, I can confidently say this: after more than 20 years of struggling with suicidal ideation, I am free in Jesus’ name.
And it is amazing.
The biggest breakthrough of all? Believing—truly believing—for the first time in my life that I am significant to God. That my life means something. I am not just here, floating through a meaningless existence. I have purpose. And it’s because of God that I’m alive—and that my life matters.”
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* We’re not an emergency facility. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local emergency number.
* For U.S. clients - if you or someone you know is in a mental health crisis, you can also:
1) Call or text 988 to connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
2) Chat with them here: https://chat.988lifeline.org/
